Breaking up is hard. Your heart has been broken, and you probably feel a little lost with No contact rule. You might be asking yourself, should you follow the no contact rule to get over your ex? The simple answer would be yes. The no contact rule is beautiful in its simplicity. No contact with your ex whatsoever, for as long as possible. No texting, no phone calls, and definitely no face to face meetings. Cut them off completely.
“There is only one problem with the no contact rule. No, not whether it works or not. It works, and it works well. The problem is that people don’t like it.” It is uncomfortable, and at times frustrating, especially if you harbor hope that you can get your ex back. It’s the best possible way to get your ex back, regardless of who broke up with whom. This works equally well whether you were the one who was dumped, or you’re the one who ended things but now having second thoughts.
Why Does No Contact Rule Work?
Many people, especially those whose hearts are still raw from a break up, would disagree, but from what I’ve determined after reading hundreds of posts on forums as well as from my own experience is that the no contact rule is incredibly effective for a number of different reasons. Reasons I’ve outlined below.
1) It avoids you saying things that aren’t true
When your break up is still fresh, and you visit, text or call your ex-lover, you will almost guarantee to say or do things that are mean, ugly, and unnecessary. You may lay blame where blame isn’t due, or say things that you don’t mean, but you will never be able to take those back. Not seeing or hearing each other for a set period of time is the ideal way to stop this from happening. It’s better to be strong and stay away. Saying hurtful and untrue things will only push your ex farther away.
2) Absence makes the heart grow fonder
If you are looking to get your ex back, then you need to lay out a plan, follow it and most importantly never stray from the course. The major issue with this is that about 90% of people going through a break up (especially a difficult one with a lot of hurt feelings) will do the exact opposite. They will be impulsive and do the first thing that comes to mind, and this is why most people will never bring their ex back into their lives. When your heart is in pain, and feelings are still at their boiling point, you are not in a position to make good choices. This includes knowing what to say, and what to keep to yourself. You don’t know how many times a possible reconciliation has been squashed because one person, in the heat of the moment, confessed an attraction to their exes’ sister, or questioned their exes’ manhood!
Benjamin Franklin said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You need to learn from other people’s mistakes and take control of the situation. First look for the signs your ex wants you back instead of calling your ex immediately following a nasty break up. It will do the exact opposite of what you want. It will drive them away. When you refrain from calling, or even texting your ex they will be more likely to call you. They are only human, and every person gets lonely eventually. We all have a peak of loneliness. For some it may be less than a week, for others closer to a month, but if you call them directly, and too soon, then you’ll never know.
3) Fix what needs fixing
The no contact rule gives you the perfect excuse to take this time away from your former lover and work on yourself. In itself, the rule is an excellent first step in the right direction, but obviously if you take this time to do nothing by sit on your back, watching movies and getting drunk, you’ll never get your ex back into your life. Your former love needs to see that you have moved on, and you have improved. No one wants to end things with a partner, only to see them shacked up with another person soon after. Improving yourself in certain ways will show your ex that you can be desirable to other people.
You need to take the time to work on yourself as much as possible. Get a gym membership and work out all those hard feelings on the treadmill. Or take a cooking class, or a language course, whatever it is that you neglected to do when in the throes of your relationship. Not only is this great for your self-esteem, but it will send a strong message to your ex that your life is going on regardless of whether they’re in your life or not. I already wrote a post about what to do and what not to do after a breakup and you can read it here: Breakup Dos and Don’ts.
Eventually you will need to see or speak to your ex, especially if you want them back in your life. If you were the one who was dumped (which is typically in these situations) then letting your ex come to your best bet. Even when they do make the first move, you would be smart to play coy. If they only contact you to get their CD collection back, then wrap it up and send it through the mail. If they drunk dial you in the middle of the night, then hang up. Most likely they won’t even remember in the morning, and any progress you think you’ve gained will be lost.
Only respond when they come to you in earnest. This doesn’t always happen, of course. Sometimes the end of a relationship is permanent. The beauty of the no contact rule is that it gives you the best possible chance of your ex coming back.
If it isn’t meant to be, then there is little you can do, but the no contact rule lets you get out of your own way so that the healing process can take place on both ends. Most importantly, the no contact rule will give you the space to take stock in whether you even want to get your ex boyfriend back or to get your ex girlfriend back. Many times when you give it some space, and take time for you, you look back and wonder what you even saw in your ex!
Regardless of what choice you ultimately make, following the no contact rule ensures that you don’t make any fatal mistakes that will doom your bossing reconciliation before it has a chance to happen.